My Mama Said, "If I knew then what I know now..."

I came across this post today and thought I'd contribute my two cents. (Read it before you read mine; Lisa makes some great points). One of the good things about having a child when you're older, though, is that you're (hopefully!) wiser too, which means that I was already aware of a lot of the important stuff before (or at least during the process of) having a baby.

I've never heard about the banding of the belly thing. Well, that's not quite true; when I was in secondary school, a girl who was scheduled to sit 'O' Level exams got pregnant and banded her tummy to avoid the inevitable speculation and the possibility probability of getting kicked out of school. (Yes, they did that back then, sadly, and more than one intelligent girl's education suffered for it). But I digress. A less time-consuming alternative might be using cocoa butter as a moisturizer. Smells great and worked for me, but I've always exercised regularly.

Amen on the breast feeding. I had no idea what to expect from the experience, but I knew I wanted to give it my best shot. My son latched on perfectly from the get-go and I valued the degree of bonding that it afforded us. This is not to say that there won't be obstacles along the way, just that there are usually simple ways around them. Sore nipples? Buy a bottle of Vitamin E capsules and smear the oil directly on to the tender area, bearing in mind that if your baby is latched on correctly, breast feeding should not hurt. Clogged milk ducts? Ouch. Believe me, I know. Take a hot shower. Or pump. Or best of all, let your baby nurse from the affected side - that's the fastest and most efficient formula for relief. It may seem easier to give up sometimes, but when you consider that it is best for the baby, cheaper than formula and a whole lot less work, a mild bout of Mastitis can seem like a walk in the park.

Yes, the world will come a-beckoning and you will miss it sometimes. It'll pass. And the time to re-enter it full force will come soon enough. Cherish the sabbatical.

And now for a few tips of my own:

You've gotta have faith. It doesn't matter if you call the object of that faith God, the Universe, a Higher Power; even if you're agnostic, at some point you will realise that from the moment of conception, a whole lot of miracle is going on in there in spite of you. Yes, you can "try" at the right time of the month, eat right, stay relaxed, avoid alcohol and secondhand smoke, read every single baby/parenting book on the market, etc. etc. You are actually not in charge. It's good to remember that sometimes. Cultivate a sense of gratitude from early o'clock, because every single moment of this life that you're helping to nurture - in utero and post-partum is a gift. Sometimes, the road may be difficult, and you're going to need to trust.

Be prepared for the "sninkling". Verb: To sneeze and tinkle at the same time while pregnant. Wear a panty liner.

You may not be able to avoid the haemorrhoids. But I hope you do.

Understand that "modern" society does its level best to separate children from their mothers and that this is not the natural state of things. You have a right to ask for your partner/mother/best friend/doula to be with you during labour. (And by all means get a doula if you can - she'll make a tremendous difference to your labour experience). You have a right to hold (and ideally breastfeed) your newborn as soon as he is delivered (notwithstanding any complications). You should have a right to not have to go back out to work a measly three months after having had the baby, but if you so choose, your office (especially if it's a large business) should provide day care on the premises (which you don't have to pay for) so that you can be with your child intermittently throughout the day, continue to breastfeed more conveniently, etc. The world seems to think that we'll raise more independent kids if we try to pry them off of us as early as possible. Nothing could be further from the truth. It's time that we reconsider what comprises a "developed" society and start tending to the needs of the family in order to effect change on a national scale.

Be gentle with yourself. You can't be depleted and be there for your child. It's like when they're giving the safety instructions on a flight: In the event of an emergency, you are told to don your oxygen mask before tending to any children in your care. So sleep when your baby does (easier said than done, I know) and don't feel guilty about taking some time for yourself. Your child will thank you for it.

Your relationship will change. Hopefully for the better. You and your partner will likely be brought closer through the experience of having this child together, but everyday life will not look like it used to. You won't have as much time for each other, so you have to make the effort to make the time you do have count. Try to use it for something other than quarreling about whose job it was to wash the dishes. Oh and newsflash - you will both love your child more fiercely than you ever imagined you could love each other.

My Mama Said, "You can have it all..."

"...but maybe not all at the same time."  I knew this before having my son.  And now, after having him, I understand it on a whole other level...

I can have a career.  But that career cannot take on the same shape or intensity that it used to.  I cannot, for instance, work at the same pace, or take on a comparable project load (not that I'd want to, mind you, because more time for work equals less of it for my son, at a stage at which he needs the bulk of my time).  But I'd be lying if I said that I didn't sometimes feel a slight pull towards the kind of creative projects in which I'd ordinarily be immersed.  These are the times that I remember the advice of several wise women (who have grown children and should know what they're talking about):  Careers will wait.  Children, on the other hand, won't.  They will grow.  They will change.  They will need you there to be a part of it.  And to borrow a line from Stephen Grellet, they will not pass this way again, so it kind of makes sense to be present while the event is happening.

I can still be the woman you fell in love with.  Only better.  It
may not seem like it when I'm sleep deprived and exhausted, but trust
me, your investment has appreciated and it has everything to do with the
child we share.  I'm a wiser, stronger, kinder, more gracious woman
than the one you married.  Yes, sometimes you will have to grit your
teeth and pull from your vast reserves of patience, but if it helps, you
should know that I know that my investment has
appreciated too. 

I can have a social life.  But I will not be painting the town red anytime soon.  This is because the spontaneity of picking up myself and going to a movie/concert/art exhibition/out for dinner has disappeared.  Since all grandparents live out of the country, I have to rely on the availability of a babysitter that he'll stay with to be able to venture out.  Of course, this will get easier the older he gets.  In the meantime, my husband and I often say that we can't pay for the kind of entertainment our son provides! 

I can still be a good friend.  But you won't be seeing me nearly as often.  Unless, of course, you come to visit or have kids my son's age.  It's not that I don't want to see you; I've probably tried on several occasions to visit, but the reality is that these days, best intentions get trumped by the need for naps, walks, play dates, baths and bedtime routines.  Plus, come 8 p.m., I'm just about ready for bed myself!

So in this age of instant gratification (that Queen song, I Want It All, comes to mind), I am content to have some of the things, some of the time because I know that in my son, I have everything I've ever wanted. 



    

My Mama Said, "Time flies!"

Wow! It's been just about four and a half months since my last post, but I've been a little busy: Keeping up with a crawler/learning-to-talk-and-walker is practically a full time job, as I've come to learn, and I'm loving every minute of it, give or take a bit of sleep deprivation here and there. Time certainly flies when you're having fun!

There have been a few milestones of note:

My son celebrated his first birthday (who knew that children's birthday parties could be more draining than adult ones?) and while the family and friends and cake were lovely, the best part of the day was the quiet time my husband and I got to spend with him.

I acquiesced and agreed to a little help so that I'm able to work a tad more productively during the week, and have a little more flexibility when it comes to running errands, etc. The funny part? The baby adjusted to the sitter in about 6 weeks. Me? I'm still acclimatising.

Separation Anxiety arrived right on schedule - for both of us! We're coming along nicely, though...

I still get into arguments with my mother. This doesn't appear to be a milestone that can be skipped. Funny...I remember my mother hating getting unsolicited "advice" from my grandmother, yet she just can't seem to stop herself from offering it to me. But, since the "time flies" bit is something she is right about, I will bear that in mind and think twice before reacting. Because really...you don't want to waste that precious time on insignificant things. Especially when you're having so much fun!

My Mama Said, "There'll be days like these..."

Days when your child is sick and (of course!) so are you, so you're feeling, as the Bajans say, "like bare shite", but you have absolutely no time to wallow in self-pity. Interestingly, after the pediatrician confirmed that my baby's hacking cough was the side effect of a cold and prescribed a combination of saline solution (for clearing his nasal passage) and lots of breastfeeding (for the antibodies and comfort), my son seems to be improving. I, on the other hand, who swore this was one cold I was not going to catch, have got progressively worse. I thought I'd cry with frustration last night thanks to the irritating combination of lack of sleep, cough and nasal congestion. I feel depleted. And that's obviously why I caught the damn cold in the first place. I'm run down.

But things change when you have a child. You can no longer be the child. My son has needs and I'm the one who has to meet them. My one consolation is that I seem to have got the worst of it; I'd hate for my son to feel as miserable as I do right now. (Although I wouldn't be surprised if he does feel as miserable, but outshines his mother when it comes to temperament!) Which of course is the great lesson in all this: Children live in the moment and this too shall pass.

My Mama Said, "When in doubt, take a time out."

In other words, don't rush into a decision if you're not entirely convinced it's the right one.  (Probably one of the reasons I got married after 30!)  The decision I'm currently faced with is whether or not to get help when I'm home with my son during the day (part of which I'm theoretically supposed to be working).  Thus far, it hasn't been an issue because my mother-in-law came to visit with us (she lives abroad) from the time he was three months old and did a stellar job looking after him while I got stuff done.  She left nearly three weeks ago, about four months after she arrived.

Because I work from home, this shouldn't be an issue, right?  Wrong.  Very rarely does my son nap on his own during the day, which means a significantly smaller window of opportunity in which I can get work accomplished.  But I'm not comfortable with a stranger caring for my child, even if I'm in the next room.  So I tried balancing things on my own the first few days after my mother-in-law left: one day, I got practically no work done, the following day, tons!  Which is to be expected, of course, depending on his mood, energy level, how much sleep he got the night before.  Still, there's no debating the fact that I could work more efficiently if I got some help - so, with an open mind, I put out a call for qualified nurses, and ended up with a name and a number.

The lady who answered the phone told me in a very ginger, uncertain voice, that she had already got a job and was no longer available.  I say, "Oh! Well, thanks anyway!" and hang up, finding it a bit curious that in the less-than-24-hours it took me to call her she'd been taken off the job market.  That afternoon, she calls back, saying that she's available again (what happened to the other job, I wonder?) and that she'd meet me in the Mall to discuss duties, etc.  By this point, every instinct I have is furiously waving a red flag, but I'm so stunned by the 180 degree turnabout that I agree to meet her.  A few hours later, when I've had some time to really consider how I feel about the entire exchange, I cancel. 

Miraculously, this little exchange happened at just about the time that my son is gaining more independence.  He's been asleep in his crib for the last hour, which has allowed me to finish up some writing projects, check email and write this post.  So far, so good.  No extra hands needed.  Yet.  (Just wait till he starts to walk...)

My Mama Said, "Share and share alike."

Of course, when I was taught to share as a child, I'm sure my parents were referring to my toys - but it did help me understand the value of sharing.  As a new parent, I can vouch for the fact that sharing experiences is a wonderful way to learn, whether one-on-one with other parents or virtually; the Internet offers quick and easy access to reassure you that you are not the first - nor will you be the last - parent to go through whatever it is that currently has you up at night (literally or otherwise).  To quote Esther Dyson:

The Internet is like alcohol in some sense. It accentuates what you would do anyway. If you want to be a loner, you can be more alone. If you want to connect, it makes it easier to connect.

Okay.  So I'm connecting - and was thrilled to find this article at kellymom.com which talks about "comfort nursing".  Now, I by no means feel guilty, as the article describes, for nursing my baby to sleep.  We both sleep much better because of it, thank you very much.  And I'm totally on board with the reality that contrary to what many "experts" may think, I have to adapt myself and my lifestyle to suit the needs of my little one at this tender age.  I'm not one for having my child cry it out; my entire system goes into high alert when he cries - as it was designed to do - so there's no way I can hear him cry out for me (which communicates a need, not a want) and not attend to him.  I make no apologies for these choices.  My son is happy.  Everybody who meets him comments on it, so I must be doing something right.  So why Google the article in the first place, right?

Because comfort nursing means he usually falls asleep in my arms - which is fine for night-time, but a tad challenging during the day when I have to work.  For a while there, I thought I was the only mother whose child prefers to be held when sleeping.  Sure, he's slept on his own (in his bassinet, and as he got older, in his crib) occasionally, but by and large he's a cuddler (his future wife will thank me one day, I'm sure).  It was good to know that "there are many babies who have been...nursed during the night from birth who eventually learn to fall asleep on their own without the breast. You don't have to teach them to do this. They reach this as a milestone - when they're physically, developmentally, and emotionally ready to."

So I'll let him lead the way, as I've done with everything else, from breastfeeding to starting solids.    He's already showing signs of greater independence: nursing until he's satisfied and then pulling himself off into a completely separate sleeping position, often right next to me.  And you know what?  This is the time when you're supposed to hold children, before they get too big, too heavy, more independent.  That time will come soon enough.  I'm enjoying the present.  Cuddling included.    

My Mama Said, "Children spell love T-I-M-E."

Yup.  It's a fact. Children don't care how many toys you throw at them, or if they're dressed in the hottest kiddie clothes brands.  They know how much you love them by the time you spend with them.  And while "quality time" is a buzzword, children also need big, chunky quantities of time and lots of it: Time spent playing with them, laughing with them, helping them learn (and having them teach you a thing or two in the process!)  This intimate bonding time helps give them the confidence to negotiate their world - and to a baby or infant, that world can be overwhelming at times.

Which is why I've chosen to be there as much as possible for my son.  Everything I've read about the subject, everything I've observed, tells me it's the right decision (if you can swing it).  Moreover, it's a choice that feels right to me.  Fortunately, I can swing it.  (Hats off to mothers who hold down 8-4 jobs and are still there for their kids; that's BIG love!) My career gives me the flexibility to work from home; it works for me and more importantly, it works for him.  Some of the folks in our neighbourhood are stunned that we've chosen to parent "the old time way", i.e.: with the wife at home, being the primary caregiver.  I giggle whenever I overhear such comments, because I don't consider myself a housewife.  "Working mother" doesn't really fit the bill either, because it suggests that work comes before motherhood.  I am a mother who works.  Which is not to say that the arrangement is without its occasional complications.

Most of the people I work with appreciate that the landscape has changed since I've had my son.  They all understand - nay, insist - that children come first, deadlines after.  As much as possible, they give me long lead times on projects, because they know that some days will be more productive than others.  And they always ask if I am able to add new projects to my workload beforehand.  These are the people I want to work with again and again.  But every rule must have an exception and a recent exception reminded me of a very good lesson, in business and in life: trust your instincts.  I let myself get involved in a project in a greater capacity than I felt comfortable with.  As the scope of work got bigger, I was kicking myself for the amount of time I now had to dedicate to it - time that wasn't being spent with my son.  It simply wasn't worth it.  And that's what it really comes down to for parents; doing the best you can in your particular situation.  Making choices that suit your family.  Looking at your children and knowing that they're totally worth it. 

My Mama Said, "Don't ask, don't tell."

Okay, so maybe it's not such a good policy when it comes to this, but I'm beginning to think the "don't ask, don't tell" approach may just be sound practice when it comes to certain choices that parents make about child rearing.  Why is it that when asked, "Is your baby sleeping through the night?" and I respond by saying, "Yes, because he co-sleeps", I face a barrage of unsolicited advice about stopping the habit "before he never leaves the bed"?  I mean, really?

And it's not just that.  People have opinions (not founded on a modicum of solid research, I might add) on everything from breastfeeding to letting the baby cry it out.  I'm all for open discussion - I often learn a thing or two from it - but please don't try to convince me that your way is the best or even the only way.  As long as my child is healthy and thriving and our choices work for our family, I'm good, thanks.  I'm not trying to convince you to practice attachment parenting, use organic sunscreen or read to your baby in utero. 

So go ahead. Ask. But maybe I won't tell.

My Mama Said, "Schedule is the golden rule."

It occurred to me that my son needed to be put on a regular schedule when he started getting antsy at night - and I suddenly realised that he was going to sleep based on our schedule, which fluctuated, to say the least.  So the routine I came up with included a morning bath and massage, two daytime sleeping sessions, playing and reading in between, an afternoon walk and and evening bath, to be followed by his nightly feeding and bed, all to take place at roughly the same time each day.

It has worked wonders in getting him more settled. He looks forward to the key activities that mark his day (especially since babies have no concept of time).  But there are times that The Schedule is disrupted.  He may have gas (not as unsettling as the dreaded colic) that keeps him up later than usual at night.  We may have an unexpected paediatrician's appointment.  He may have slept more (or less) during the day or had a visit from a doting aunt or new friend.  And I've come to realise that far from being inconveniences, these occasional surprises teach my son adaptability, a great life skill that I'm sure will come in handy later on; in being flexible, he learns to go with the flow of life rather than fight it.

Having your baby follow a schedule is a great "rule" to have, and you first have to know the rules in order to break them from time to time.  (Incidentally, according to my own schedule, I was supposed to publish this post yesterday...)

My Mama Said, "Wait, my child...wait!"

My grandmother was fond of telling my mother this little tale:

Once upon a time, there was a mama pig who gave birth to many piglets. She loved them, fed them, cared for them and nurtured them. One day, the most curious of the piglets asked the mama, "Why is your snout so big?" The sow smiled and answered, "Wait, my child...wait!"

The point being, I suppose, that we all turn into our mothers (a presupposition of which I am not entirely convinced). But I do chuckle at the story from time to time when I look at my son and see a version of my own face staring back at me. Anyone who has remarked to his father, "Sorry, eh, boy - but he's all his mother!" will report that I grin with satisfaction. He looks just like I did when I was his age and I have the baby pictures to prove it. I see myself in my son in other ways too: in his impatience, his pluck, his determination. And I see his father: his build, his even temperament, his sweet nature.

And it strikes me that if we see ourselves in him, he will also see himself in us. And that raises the bar. We have to be better. Better parents, better spouses, better neighbours, better friends, better citizens, better people - if we want to raise a man that can do something better for our world.