My Mama Said, "If I knew then what I know now..."

I came across this post today and thought I'd contribute my two cents. (Read it before you read mine; Lisa makes some great points). One of the good things about having a child when you're older, though, is that you're (hopefully!) wiser too, which means that I was already aware of a lot of the important stuff before (or at least during the process of) having a baby.

I've never heard about the banding of the belly thing. Well, that's not quite true; when I was in secondary school, a girl who was scheduled to sit 'O' Level exams got pregnant and banded her tummy to avoid the inevitable speculation and the possibility probability of getting kicked out of school. (Yes, they did that back then, sadly, and more than one intelligent girl's education suffered for it). But I digress. A less time-consuming alternative might be using cocoa butter as a moisturizer. Smells great and worked for me, but I've always exercised regularly.

Amen on the breast feeding. I had no idea what to expect from the experience, but I knew I wanted to give it my best shot. My son latched on perfectly from the get-go and I valued the degree of bonding that it afforded us. This is not to say that there won't be obstacles along the way, just that there are usually simple ways around them. Sore nipples? Buy a bottle of Vitamin E capsules and smear the oil directly on to the tender area, bearing in mind that if your baby is latched on correctly, breast feeding should not hurt. Clogged milk ducts? Ouch. Believe me, I know. Take a hot shower. Or pump. Or best of all, let your baby nurse from the affected side - that's the fastest and most efficient formula for relief. It may seem easier to give up sometimes, but when you consider that it is best for the baby, cheaper than formula and a whole lot less work, a mild bout of Mastitis can seem like a walk in the park.

Yes, the world will come a-beckoning and you will miss it sometimes. It'll pass. And the time to re-enter it full force will come soon enough. Cherish the sabbatical.

And now for a few tips of my own:

You've gotta have faith. It doesn't matter if you call the object of that faith God, the Universe, a Higher Power; even if you're agnostic, at some point you will realise that from the moment of conception, a whole lot of miracle is going on in there in spite of you. Yes, you can "try" at the right time of the month, eat right, stay relaxed, avoid alcohol and secondhand smoke, read every single baby/parenting book on the market, etc. etc. You are actually not in charge. It's good to remember that sometimes. Cultivate a sense of gratitude from early o'clock, because every single moment of this life that you're helping to nurture - in utero and post-partum is a gift. Sometimes, the road may be difficult, and you're going to need to trust.

Be prepared for the "sninkling". Verb: To sneeze and tinkle at the same time while pregnant. Wear a panty liner.

You may not be able to avoid the haemorrhoids. But I hope you do.

Understand that "modern" society does its level best to separate children from their mothers and that this is not the natural state of things. You have a right to ask for your partner/mother/best friend/doula to be with you during labour. (And by all means get a doula if you can - she'll make a tremendous difference to your labour experience). You have a right to hold (and ideally breastfeed) your newborn as soon as he is delivered (notwithstanding any complications). You should have a right to not have to go back out to work a measly three months after having had the baby, but if you so choose, your office (especially if it's a large business) should provide day care on the premises (which you don't have to pay for) so that you can be with your child intermittently throughout the day, continue to breastfeed more conveniently, etc. The world seems to think that we'll raise more independent kids if we try to pry them off of us as early as possible. Nothing could be further from the truth. It's time that we reconsider what comprises a "developed" society and start tending to the needs of the family in order to effect change on a national scale.

Be gentle with yourself. You can't be depleted and be there for your child. It's like when they're giving the safety instructions on a flight: In the event of an emergency, you are told to don your oxygen mask before tending to any children in your care. So sleep when your baby does (easier said than done, I know) and don't feel guilty about taking some time for yourself. Your child will thank you for it.

Your relationship will change. Hopefully for the better. You and your partner will likely be brought closer through the experience of having this child together, but everyday life will not look like it used to. You won't have as much time for each other, so you have to make the effort to make the time you do have count. Try to use it for something other than quarreling about whose job it was to wash the dishes. Oh and newsflash - you will both love your child more fiercely than you ever imagined you could love each other.

My Mama Said, "You can have it all..."

"...but maybe not all at the same time."  I knew this before having my son.  And now, after having him, I understand it on a whole other level...

I can have a career.  But that career cannot take on the same shape or intensity that it used to.  I cannot, for instance, work at the same pace, or take on a comparable project load (not that I'd want to, mind you, because more time for work equals less of it for my son, at a stage at which he needs the bulk of my time).  But I'd be lying if I said that I didn't sometimes feel a slight pull towards the kind of creative projects in which I'd ordinarily be immersed.  These are the times that I remember the advice of several wise women (who have grown children and should know what they're talking about):  Careers will wait.  Children, on the other hand, won't.  They will grow.  They will change.  They will need you there to be a part of it.  And to borrow a line from Stephen Grellet, they will not pass this way again, so it kind of makes sense to be present while the event is happening.

I can still be the woman you fell in love with.  Only better.  It
may not seem like it when I'm sleep deprived and exhausted, but trust
me, your investment has appreciated and it has everything to do with the
child we share.  I'm a wiser, stronger, kinder, more gracious woman
than the one you married.  Yes, sometimes you will have to grit your
teeth and pull from your vast reserves of patience, but if it helps, you
should know that I know that my investment has
appreciated too. 

I can have a social life.  But I will not be painting the town red anytime soon.  This is because the spontaneity of picking up myself and going to a movie/concert/art exhibition/out for dinner has disappeared.  Since all grandparents live out of the country, I have to rely on the availability of a babysitter that he'll stay with to be able to venture out.  Of course, this will get easier the older he gets.  In the meantime, my husband and I often say that we can't pay for the kind of entertainment our son provides! 

I can still be a good friend.  But you won't be seeing me nearly as often.  Unless, of course, you come to visit or have kids my son's age.  It's not that I don't want to see you; I've probably tried on several occasions to visit, but the reality is that these days, best intentions get trumped by the need for naps, walks, play dates, baths and bedtime routines.  Plus, come 8 p.m., I'm just about ready for bed myself!

So in this age of instant gratification (that Queen song, I Want It All, comes to mind), I am content to have some of the things, some of the time because I know that in my son, I have everything I've ever wanted. 



    

My Mama Said, "Time flies!"

Wow! It's been just about four and a half months since my last post, but I've been a little busy: Keeping up with a crawler/learning-to-talk-and-walker is practically a full time job, as I've come to learn, and I'm loving every minute of it, give or take a bit of sleep deprivation here and there. Time certainly flies when you're having fun!

There have been a few milestones of note:

My son celebrated his first birthday (who knew that children's birthday parties could be more draining than adult ones?) and while the family and friends and cake were lovely, the best part of the day was the quiet time my husband and I got to spend with him.

I acquiesced and agreed to a little help so that I'm able to work a tad more productively during the week, and have a little more flexibility when it comes to running errands, etc. The funny part? The baby adjusted to the sitter in about 6 weeks. Me? I'm still acclimatising.

Separation Anxiety arrived right on schedule - for both of us! We're coming along nicely, though...

I still get into arguments with my mother. This doesn't appear to be a milestone that can be skipped. Funny...I remember my mother hating getting unsolicited "advice" from my grandmother, yet she just can't seem to stop herself from offering it to me. But, since the "time flies" bit is something she is right about, I will bear that in mind and think twice before reacting. Because really...you don't want to waste that precious time on insignificant things. Especially when you're having so much fun!